Healing The Abandonment Wound

My grandfather died and my previous partner and I broke up all within a week's time frame.

My abandonment wound was rearing its not-so-pretty little head and there were moments I felt on a rollercoaster of lots of dark feelings.

The 2 masculine men whom I love dearly were all of a sudden gone and felt as though I was there to pick up the pieces of the mess, alone.

My heart felt as though it was being ripped out from the inside.

I knew this was all happening for a reason. It was all happening for me. I felt the gift even though in moments I was drowning in my own tears.

So much death. I felt like I was in the portal of grief.

My anxious attachment was on high alert. My previous partner was avoidant and boy did that make my abandonment wound get triggered more times than I can count. 

I now see more clearly and I am grateful for it, but in the moment it was fucking painful.

He wanted space for a couple of days, but in my body “space” meant we were breaking up. 

He wanted to take time to process after a hard conversation and I immediately felt as though he was abandoning me.

Even though in my heart I knew he loved me, these moments felt terrifying for me as it triggered deep abandonment and loss.

I wanted him to save me from myself, from my scary emotions, from the pain triggered in my body.

Even if he chose to stay and sit with me after an argument instead of needing space, I would’ve still had this wound, or if he chose to not ask for space, I would still have this trigger. There was nothing he could have done to “save me”.

I had to save myself. I get to save myself.

My inner child was desperately trying to get my attention. She needed tending too. She needed to be reminded that she is safe, held and I am never going to leave her.

Now as this version of myself. I get the privilege of reparenting myself. Giving my little D the space to express and learn how to self-sooth.

Anxious and Avoidant patterns in a relationship usually look like one person who’s overextending themselves (moving towards, applying pressure, making demands), and one person who’s under-extending (moving away, shutting down, under-communicative).

I got the gift of being with someone who felt more avoidant so I was able to look at the parts of myself that still needed nurture and care.

I am positive I called this in for me to see new parts of myself under the microscope.

Our responsibility as the anxious person in this dynamic is to learn how to hold space for ourselves and take the pressure off of the other person. Self-soothing is about learning how to calm your nervous system down and be there for yourself when you feel scared.

Ultimately, you are parenting your inner child; nurturing that little one inside of you who needs attention, wants to feel safe, seen, heard and loved. We can find people to fill that space for us temporarily, but at the end of the day, there is nothing more healing than learning that we can hold ourselves.

Self-Soothing Tool When Triggered:

When I feel triggered, I pause, close my eyes, and take a couple of deep and long breaths. I let out an audible sigh. Release the tension in my body. I place my hand on my heart. Tuning in. I then like to bring to mind, my inner child. I remind her that she can express herself. She can cry. She can scream. She is safe to be here. She doesn't have to hide anymore. Everything she is feeling is welcome.